(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you very much. Thank you.
And welcome to Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle with me, Stewart Lee.
Later on, I'm gonna be talking to you
about how my tragic and ultimately fatal addiction
to various forms of lethal, illegal class A drugs
has helped me to overcome my previous dependence
on born-again Christianity.
And I wrote that joke 20 years ago.
At the time, it seemed contentious.
There's a kind of cliché of stand-up on television.
People say that television eats up a stand-up comedian's material,
but it doesn't if you just do loads of jokes
that you also did on telly in the mid-'90s.
Tonight, we'll be talking about religion. Religion, ooh, the hot potato!
It looked delicious but it burnt my mouth.
Religion.
If you are religious, don't worry,
there are gonna be jokes about religion tonight,
but they probably won't be about your religion.
They'll be about one of the other religions,
you know, the ones which are wrong.
(CUSHION FARTS)
(SCREAMS)
I don't know if I'm the right person to be doing jokes about religion.
In the last few months, I've become religious.
I've started to believe in God and creationism
and intelligent design.
And the reason that I now believe in God and creationism and intelligent design
is because of Professor Richard Dawkins.
Because when I look at something as complex and intricate and beautiful
as Professor Richard Dawkins...
...I don't think that could just have evolved by chance.
Professor Richard Dawkins was put there by God to test us.
Like fossils.
And facts.
When you think about it, most jokes about religion
aren't really about doctrine or dogma,
they're just about things like the language of religion.
For example, last week... I wasn't... It didn't happen last week.
I was walking through Heathrow Airport.
I wasn't. This hasn't happened. I made it up.
Last week, I was walking through Heathrow Airport.
Well, I've never been there or been on a plane.
I don't know what it is,
but the rest of this joke is gonna be involving planes,
so I've set it in this place.
So, um, last week, I was walking through Heathrow Airport
and I saw an advert for...
I didn't see anything at all. I wasn't there.
I wasn't there. I saw nothing. I wasn't even there.
I was walking through Heathrow Airport and I saw an advert
for one of those evangelical groups they have now,
and it said, "You won't get to heaven on a 737".
Thought, " No, I won't, but I will get to Reykjavik,
"where I understand there's a museum
"housing the world's largest collection of animal penises."
(SIGHS, SPEAKS IN DIALECT)
(WHALE SONG)
Most jokes about religion,
as I say, they're not about dogma or doctrine,
they're about things like the fact that people in religious garb look funny.
There isn't anything that wouldn't be funnier
were it not being carried out by someone dressed as a priest
or a Buddhist or a rabbi.
Take, for example...
I want you to think of the funniest Laurel and Hardy sketch
that you can think of, OK?
And that is the routine where Stan is having a hot dog
and Ollie is behind one of these photo-booth things
where you put your face through the hole,
and Stan squeezes the hot dog
and it flies out of the bun and goes into Ollie's mouth.
Remember that, very funny.
Now I want you to imagine that routine again,
except this time,
Ollie is dressed in the robes of a bishop of the Greek Orthodox Church.
(PAUL MERTON) For me, Laurel and Hardy's
Seaside Greek Orthodox Church Bishop With A Sausage In His Mouth
is one of the great silent comedies,
and I think it's amazing it actually IS Ollie
wearing that Greek Orthodox Church bishop costume.
Now today, you'd have to do that with CGI or something,
but back then, they really had to do it.
They actually had to wear the actual costume.
For me, I mean, that makes it even funnier.
(CHUCKLES)
Most jokes about religion, as I say, aren't about doctrine and dogma,
they're about things like marketing.
Catholicism, for example. I love the way that Catholicism combines
a search for a profound spiritual truth in the universe,
which is admirable,
with a love of kind of inane seaside souvenir-shop tat.
You don't often see those two things working as a team.
I was in the Vatican about five years ago
while Pope John Paul II was still alive, and, um...
This is honestly true. In the Vatican square, they were selling lollipops.
You could buy lollipops about that big
with the face of Pope John Paul II on them.
You could buy a Pope John Paul II's face lollipop.
I bought about 20.
And I just thought... In the light of his death a few months later,
I wondered whether sales of those lollipops went up
or whether they went down.
Did good Catholics think,
"Ah, the Pope's just died.
"It would now seem inappropriate...
"to lick a sugar effigy of his face."
Or did they go, "Ah, the Pope's just died.
"But what better way...
"...to commemorate his life
"than by licking a sugar effigy of his face?"
Eat that, swallow it, digest it,
pass out some kind of enchanted papal residue.
I don't know if that would happen.
I don't know if whatever spiritual properties the lollipops have -
and we assume they must have some -
I don't know if they would survive the digestive process.
I'm neither medically nor theologically qualified
to do anything other than speculate on that.
But I did ask my local priest.
I said to him, " If you drink holy water and then you do a wee,
"is the wee then magic?"
And he said, " No. That would be ridiculous."
But there were lollipops of Pope John Paul II's face,
and I don't think it's just because he was Pope.
I think there may have been lollipops of that man's face anyway.
Cos he had a lickable face, didn't he?
And if you think of his face, it's a lickable little...
Nice little lickable face he had.
If you were a puppy and you saw that face,
you would be compelled to lick it.
He had a lickable little...
But the new Pope doesn't have a lickable face.
Pope Benedict XVI.
He's a much more serious, harsh figure.
I don't think you would make lollipops of the face of Pope Benedict XVI.
I don't know how you would merchandise him.
If I were called in to construct a way of merchandising
the face of Pope Benedict XVI
I would issue it as a set of warning stickers...
...you could put on bottles of bleach to stop children drinking them.
Whose face is that?
(IMITATES BOY) Pope Benedict XVI.
- What does that mean? - Poison.
That's right.
He's a very serious Pope. He's very hardline.
He's already managed to alienate the world's Muslims
and Jews and native South Americans
and homosexuals and AIDS researchers
and human rights activists and doctors,
and he's also reasserted the primacy of objective spiritual truth
in the face of what he sees as
a post-Enlightenment wave of secular rationalism.
But on the positive side...
Pope Benedict XVI has also reintroduced to formal papal-wear
an item of clothing
which had been removed by Pope John Paul II in the '70s,
and it's these.
Pope Benedict XVI has reintroduced to formal papal-wear
the papal shoes.
They're bright red leather, they're made by Prada,
and he's brought these back in.
So it's interesting to think that while he was alienating
all the world's Muslims and Jews and native South Americans
and homosexuals and AIDS researchers
and human rights activists and doctors,
he was wearing these shoes...
...which makes it seem rather delightful.
Another thing he's done, Pope Benedict XVI,
he's brought in a set of psychological profiling tests and questionnaires
to try and determine whether
potential applicants for the Catholic clergy are gay.
And I'm not sure about how these work.
I don't know if you can really determine someone's sexuality
from just asking them questions about
the kind of things they like, what they would like to wear.
For example, it's very hard to draw any harsh conclusions...
...from trivial and superficial things like that.
But it does make me wonder, you know,
when he was a young man in the Hitler Youth,
did Pope...
...did Pope Benedict XVI dream of becoming Pope?
Or did he just dream of having a day job
where he'd be allowed to wear these shoes?
In short, was becoming Pope a means to an end?
# Jim has fixed it for you
# And you and you and you... #
Now then. Now then, now then, now then, now then.
We have had a lovely, lovely, lovely letter from a lovely young man,
Pope Benedict XVI,
who writes, " Dear Jim,
"ever since I was a young boy in the Hitler Youth,
"I have been fascinated by the film The Wizard of Oz.
"My favourite character was Dorothy, and especially her red shoes.
"Today, as Pope, I have a pair of red shoes of my own,
"but can you, Jim, fix it for me
"to wear my red shoes and do a dance on the yellow brick road
"with all my priest friends?
"Ich bin ein grosse koten mit zwiebein!
"Pope Benedict XVI."
Now then, now then.
How's about that, then, Pope Benedict XVI?
Your papal edict is my command, is it not?
Ja, bitte.
# Follow the yellow brick road Follow the yellow brick road
# Follow, follow, follow, follow Follow the yellow brick road
# Follow the yellow brick Follow the yellow brick
# Follow the yellow brick road. #
There's no place like Rome.
Last Sunday at 6.30...
Um...
Well, it wasn't last Sunday, it was 20 years ago this happened, OK?
This was 20 years ago, all right?
Last Sunday at 6.30...
I've moved it to now so it sounds more... current.
There was a knock at my door and I went down and answered it
and it was one of those born-again Christian evangelists there.
He said to me, " Sir, the answer is Jesus. Now, what is the question?"
And I said to him,
"Is the question...
"for which role...
"...was Robert Powell nominated for a BAFTA?"
And he said, "No, it isn't that."
I said, "Can I have another guess?" He said, "Yes."
I said, " Is the question, complete the name of this popular
"early 1970s item of hippy footwear...
"...the 'blank' sandal?"
He said, "No, it isn't that."
I said, "Can I have another guess?" He said, "Yes."
I said, " Is the question, complete the name..."
He said, " You're staying, I notice, with the 'complete the name' format."
I said, " That's right. You initiated this combat.
"I reserve the right to choose weapons."
I said, " Is the question, complete the name
"of this influential but little-known late-1980s Chicago rock band,
"The 'blank' Lizard?"
And he said, " I warn you,
"If you're...
"If you're considering recounting this conversation
"as some kind of stand-up routine..."
Er...
He said, " I warn you that that reference, The 'blank' Lizard,
"that has a very specific demographic reach."
He said, " And while it may get a small laugh in a studio
"full of London hipsters...
"...there's very little chance," he said,
"that the majority of viewers at home will get that reference,
"and for them, certainly," he said, "a routine which has been building nicely
"will take something of a dive at that point."
I said to him, "I'm not worried about that,
"cos I think that if I refer to its failure,
"I may be able to milk some further laughs out of it."
We've seen that happening, haven't we?
You at home can see it's happening mainly in that area.
Over here, not so many laughs, but certainly the people over...
I don't know about you at home,
but the people in this area
very much enjoying the way I'm working the room...
at this point.
The evangelist said to me,
"I don't know if a prime-time BBC Two comedy slot
"is the time or the place
"to experiment with this level of self-indulgent improvisation."
Now, of course, that line has created a tension in the room.
Be quite hard to wrestle it back.
The evangelist said, "I did try to warn you."
I said, " What do you mean, you tried to warn me?
"Stop interrupting me.
"You are a semi-fictional character which I created."
He said, " That's right - semi-fictional. I have a basis in fact 20 years ago."
I said, "But you didn't behave like this."
He said, " No, I know, but my anger's been festering."
I said, "Now what am I supposed to do?"
"Look what you've done to me," I said to him.
"This routine over 20 years,
"we've worked on it together, you and me. We've built it up.
"We've got a whole set of call and responses
"and you improvising within certain carefully delineated parameters.
"Now, now look at where we are.
"We're in a position, there is no escape.
"To all intents and purposes,
"what's happening now does not constitute entertainment."
I said, " Luckily, in the edit, at this point I can cut to a film item."
(ZIP!)
(CLANG!)
(WHALE SINGS)
(GIGGLING)
We've had a lot of fun tonight, haven't we,
laughing and sneering at trivial aspects of religion.
But I think it's probably time to try and nail something serious.
And what I want to talk about in the closing part of the program
is the idea of religious education.
Faith schools, a place where religion touches our everyday lives.
Now, the year before last, David Cameron said that
he understood sharp-elbowed middle-class parents
who lied about their religious beliefs to get their children into faith schools.
And that's a typical kind of Cameron move, isn't it?
I call him the weather cock, David "the weather cock" Cameron.
I call him the weather cock for two reasons.
One - cos he spins, doesn't he, in the prevailing wind of public opinion,
like a weather cock.
And the second reason I call him the weather cock, David Cameron,
the weather cock,
is cos I often wonder whether he's got a cock or not.
Or whether it'd just be like a little green shoot
that would spring into action when one of his advisors decided
it was time to call for a snap erection.
(CROWD GROANS)
Yeah, can you hear them? Can you hear the people booing and groaning?
It was your favourite bit, wasn't it, the viewer at home.
You went, " I liked it when he mixed up the word 'election' and 'erection'.
"That was satire."
But the whole idea of religious schools, it's a very strange one.
What makes someone with a religious belief necessarily a good educator?
The idea of religious education,
it makes about as much sense
as handing over to special interest religious groups
all the nation's dog training schools.
(JAUNTY MUSIC)
(PRESENTER) This week on Preacher's Pet
we follow Miguel and his owner Stephen
as they try out some of the Government's
new faith dog training schools.
Well, I don't want Miguel exposed to any extreme beliefs,
but the local C of E dog school has got a great track record.
(MAN) Morning, everybody. That's right, in you come. Yep. Sit.
Sit, everybody. Come on, sit.
I'm not an idiot, you know.
I do notice how many people suddenly rediscover their faith
when they realise they've got a troublesome pooch.
Now, my evangelical dogs, who is this?
Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury.
Split worldwide Anglican communion.
Kill the Archbishop! Kill the Archbishop! Bite his beard!
Bite Archbishop's beard. Nip his naughty nuts. Nip his nuts!
(DOGS BARK)
That's right, come on. Come on. Yeah, bite. Take him apart.
Come on! Miguel, join in.
Come on. Bite his face!
Miguel and Stephen's second choice requires them to familiarise themselves
with the unorthodox dissenting sect of Quakerism.
This is how we make porridge.
While this is how you make chocolate.
Another day, another dog school.
- For the next... - (VOICEOVER ENDS ABRUPTLY)
We have to stop the sketch there just at the point he's about to go
into an Islamic dog training school,
and there was gonna be little dogs being put in planes
to fly towards commercial targets.
Um...
But the BBC had an anxiety about this.
Not, weirdly, because of the idea of equating Islam with terrorism.
They were worried that there's a kind of cultural taboo about dogs in Islam
and that they didn't want it to look provocative.
But then the producer said to me, "Can you get round this in some way,
"cos we've already hired the dogs and the plane's been made?"
You can see that here.
Um...
I mean, this... this was not cheap.
There was gonna be a little Chihuahua in there
in a balaclava.
So...
The problem was, it's very hard to actually find out
what the definite position of Islam is on dogs.
I read the Koran and there's about as many pro-dogs bits as anti-dog bits,
so that didn't really tell me anything.
Then I found this book, which is a real book.
It's called Animals in Islamic Tradition and Muslim Cultures.
I thought, "The answer must be in there."
There's a 14-page chapter about dogs.
I read that, and it ends with this genuine sentence.
"Long-held ethical norms may bear the weight of inertia,
"but they're not immutable."
So thanks for that, Richard C Foltz of Montreal University.
The problem is, when you have these kind of issues,
there isn't a central Islamic authority you can refer the question up to.
There's just lots of conflicting schools of thought.
Um...
With Catholicism, it's very different.
For example, if you wanna do a sketch about hamsters in Catholicism,
you just write to the Vatican and go, "What's your position on hamsters?"
And they go, "They're great. We love them.
"As long as they believe in transubstantiation and original sin
"and don't use condoms."
But there isn't... There isn't an Islamic equivalent.
It's very hard to find out exactly what the position is.
Also, it's very difficult to do a joke about Islam
because most people don't really know enough about it in any detail
for you to do anything sophisticated.
The options are limited, so you end up falling back
on the most perfunctory and unpleasant and obvious stereotypes.
Very frustrating.
You know, I wrote to Abu Hamza about it.
He's a prominent British Muslim.
I wrote to Abu Hamza about dogs in Islam,
but he didn't write back because he's got hooks for hands!
He's got hooks for hands! Are you happy?
Is that what you wanted? Are you satisfied now?
He's got hooks for hands. What's he like?
He's like a pirate or something, isn't he?
Or a Bond villain. How does he open a tin? Is that what you wanted?
So I said to the evangelist...
"Can I have another guess?"
And he said, "Yes."
I said, " Is the question, complete the name of this influential
"but little-known early 1980s Scottish post-punk band,
"The 'blank' And Mary Chain?"
And he said, " I don't know. I've not heard of them."
And I said, " Surely it's obvious what they're called by now."
And he said to me, "Oh, you obviously think
"it's very clever to be sarcastic, don't you?"
And I said...
"No(!)"
And he said,
"You do. You were doing it then."
And I said, "No, I wasn't. You were(!)"
That went on for about eight hours.
But you know what, right? None of that happened.
I made it up.
Well, it sort of happened. This guy came to my door. It was 20 years ago.
And he did say to me, " The answer is Jesus. Now, what is the question?"
But I didn't say any of those things.
I just went...
"Dunno.
"I'm not interested, really."
Then I went back to bed.
Then over the next two decades,
I gradually thought of a number of amusing things
that I could have said...
...if I was really funny in real life...
...rather than only within this contrived and flattering TV environment.
So that's all it was - just a joke, just a... piece of nothing.
Good night.
(APPLAUSE)
(JAUNTY PIANO MELODY)
For me, Laurel and Hardy's Seaside Burqas
is one of the great silent comedies, and what I think is amazing
is that Ollie had a sex change and converted to Islam
in order to make that movie.
And then had reverse gender realignment surgery
after the shooting was over in order to become a man again.
Then he renounced Islam
and became an apostate with a price on his head,
and then Islamic extremists targeted him for the rest of his life.
Now, of course, today all that could be done with CGI... or something.
But they really had to do it.
Superb.
(STEWART LEE) Hey, you know you like silent comedy?
Well, there's this thing now
where the last 25 seconds of all BBC comedies,
you can't really talk over them or have music or anything,
cos they like to trail all the forthcoming programs.
So if you could sit quietly for about 25 seconds
and you'll be squeezed over to one side or something,
and someone with a regional accent will go on about forthcoming programs.
That all right?